A Typical Holiday Family Gathering Conversation

Details have obviously been exaggerated to make a point.  No one is named:

Person A:  Okay, I'm going to go pick something up at the store.  Groceryfest is on the corner of Main and 1st, right?

Person B:  What did you say?! Listen to me.  LISTEN to me! Here's how you get there:  first you have to get in the car.  Now, in order to do that, you're going to want to open the driver's side door with your key.  Do you have a key? Because you're going to need a key...

Person A:  Look, I know all of that.  Just trust me, please.  I plan to get in the car and drive to Groceryfest.  I'm just saying that I was going to go down Main to get there, so all I need to know is if it's on Main and 1st.  I don't want to miss but never mind.  I'll find it.


Person B:  ...Make sure your door is locked.  Because men around here get funny ideas.  There are old men who look like they're regular people, but really they try to abduct you and enlist you into prostitution.  You really have to have faith and believe in God.

Person A:  Alright, alright! I'm leaving.  Oh, wait -- we were going to get wine, right? I'm trying to think of where there's a liquor store. I'm assuming you can't buy wine at Groceryfest, since it's just a grocery store.

PERSON C:  [Eye roll and sharp sigh].  WELL! I don't see why you wouldn't be able to buy wine at Groceryfest.  I mean, how is this city different than any other city in the whole country? Of course you can buy wine at a grocery store.

Person A:  [Laughing].  Oh. You know, it's funny because I'm just so used to having to go to a liquor store in New York if you want a bottle of wine that I hadn't really given it a second thought.  Come to think of it, I wonder why it is that they sell beer at grocery stores in New York but not wine.  I mean, liquor I can understand, but wine is another story.  Isn't that interesting? I wonder why that is.


PERSON C:  Whatever.  Call me crazy, but I guess I just don't find that that interesting.  Anyway, forget the wine.  Why don't you just buy some of that stout that the local brewery makes? That way we'd have something everyone likes.

Person A:  But I don't like it.  And yes  -- I know, I know.  I've tried so hard to develop a taste for beer, but I still just don't like the way it tastes.  It's...I don't know...even the good stuff tastes skunky to me.  [Laughing] Anyway I like my girly drinks.

PERSON C:  [Another eye roll and sharp sigh].  WELL! I mean, do you like oatmeal?  Because it's practically the same thing.  It's just stuff made of grain. If you like oatmeal, you should like this stout.


Person A:  [Shrug].  I do like oatmeal -- but I guess I like it because it's creamy and warm and you can add milk and lots of honey to it.  Beer is a whole different taste and texture; I don't know why -- I just don't like it.

PERSON C:  [While walking away to the other end of the room] You probably just haven't had good beer.  There's a lot of bad beer out there.  Suit yourself, though. Oh -- wait! Don't forget to get some brie.  I thought we had some, but I was looking in the refrigerator and didn't see it, so I guess someone ate it all.

Person A:   Sorry, I didn't hear you.

PERSON C:  [Turning] I said, don't forget to get some brie.  I thought we had some, but I was looking in the refrigerator and didn't see it.

Person B:  Oh, no; we're not out of brie.  I just wanted to make sure you saw it, so I took it out of the refrigerator and put it behind all of those boxes of crackers...